The horror.....the horror.....

I sit before you a broken and humble man. Never before have I played a game that refuses to be reviewed. I dunno if it's out of fear that keeps me from reviewing it or just because it's that bad.

Today I set my sights on.....

(Before I get to this, lemme say thank you those of you who have stuck around through my long silence. I things happened that were unexpected, and my own laziness played a factor in it. Anyway, this was supposed to be a Halloween review, but I need to post this before I go insane from trying to play it anymore.)

Dear God what have I gotten myself into? Is it too late for me to go back to playing GoW.....on second thought.....this game is better than GoW. (Please post all complaints for the former statement in the comments, so they can be promptly ignored. Thank you Management.)

I don't know where to start with this one..... I guess the best part is to start from the begining and go from there. You play as Barbie, big shock, only instead of being on an adventure where she styles her hair, tames horses or anything else that probably would make far more sense, you get to play in her dreams. That's right her dreams. Now for anyone who's been playing games for a while, this really isn't anything new. Games like Psychonauts has you tromping around in the heads of people, Unfortunately, it's not anywhere near as fun.

The controls are beyond bad. Jumps that should be easy to make are rendered nearly impossible by the fact that you have to hit the platform dead center so that the space between Barbie's feet is on the platform itself, Then there are other times when you're supposed to make a jump that's only a block wide, and once again if you aren't dead center, you're going to fall. Barbie moves about as slow as a sloth. I guess her plastic legs can only move so far, so fast. This wouldn't be too much of an issue if it weren't for the fact that in the later stages the enemies start shooting projectiles, and you're supposed to jump/move over the projectiles while making an ungodly jump, and trying not to hit another projectile thrown upwards.

Just one of the exaples of insane and stupid jumps.

The developers do give you a "weapon" so to speak. If you press the "B" button, barbie throws a jewel. Depending on what you have selected in the lower left hand corner of ths screen it can do one of three things. It can "kill" some enemies, or it can move some "helpful" creatures, or it can do something funky. The last one is difficult to describe, it'll make some creatures move differently, while it'll make other's shoot some sort of projectile. It all depends on the creature. Now this would be good if it weren't for one important fact. If it's gonna kill something, it should kill EVERY ENEMY! i'm serious if you pick the gem that kills, it'll kill only certain enemies, in certain situations. Those situations are as far as I was able to tell one "boss" battle where some clothes came to life and tried to kill me.

The graphics aren't something I can really harp on. It came out on the NES so it's pretty much an 8 Bit mess. Ok so I can harp on it. Super Mario Brothers 3 set a bench mark for what the NES could do. It was a great side scroller. Barbie came out the following year in 1991 and it looks like a mess. Again it was 8Bit but still, when it came out after SMB 3 it doesn't have a valid excuse. The color scheme is bad too, mostly pink and white. Gives me a headache just looking at it.

SMB3 is superior. Nuff said

Honestly, this is a game that should remain burried. I couldn't finish it, and I hate to give up on a game before writing a review. If you want my opinion, STAY AWAY! If you ever see it somewhere, avoid it then get decontaminated. This is the third worst game I have ever played in my life. If you don't know what my least two are, then you need to read some past reviews.

That's all for this week, I'll.....what? You want me to do what? No, no I couldn't. I would never attempt to kill the population of the world, or drive them insane......what? Power? Unbelieveable power?

Yes, yes of course I'm interested.....first I have to help you? To get your power back? To become a true hero? Well Cthulhu you have yourself a deal!